An honest conversation

A dialogue between a capitalist banker (CB) and an unemployed youth (UY) by Caleb Maupin.

CB: Thank you! Thank you!

UY: Why are you thanking me?

CB: Because you are unemployed, and that helps me a lot. Unemployment is a great thing.

UY: Why is that?

CB: For lots of reasons! It lowers wages. People who are desperate for work will accept much lower pay. I can even force the people who already work for me to take a pay cut and “stay competitive.” The more people who are unemployed, the less pay people who have jobs will expect. As long as there are some people out there to keep buying, my profits will go up higher and higher.

UY: So you want me to be unemployed?

CB: Yes! If you are unemployed and a youth, you might go back to school. I can then make loads of money on your student debt payments, while all you get in exchange is “better qualified” for a job that isn’t there in the first place.

UY: Wow.

CB: Better yet, you may even become depressed because you can’t find work to support yourself. I can sell you overpriced drugs to treat this “illness” of being unhappy in a state of permanent joblessness.

UY: Really?

CB: Yes. Maybe you’ll be so desperate that you will resort to crime in order to survive. If you get caught, when they lock you up, we’ll make loads of money. Prisons are quite profitable, you know, since the government covers most of the costs. Through our various investments, we bankers have countless contracts with the “correctional facilities” across the country, making thousands of dollars for each person who gets put away.

UY: But I need a job!

CB: Well, with no jobs, maybe you can join the military. You can get sent to places like Libya, Iraq or Afghanistan and help secure control of those places for bankers like me. Whenever some government around the world stops doing what me and my banker friends want, we can send you in to risk your life so we can stay rich and powerful.

UY: But I don’t want to be depressed, or in huge debt, or in jail, or getting shot at in some foreign country. What should I do?

CB:: That’s not my problem. If things ever go bad for me, I’ve got a cast of hired stooges in Congress who will bail me out with your tax money. They’ve given trillions to us already, and there is no sign of it stopping.

UY: But isn’t there a huge deficit? I’ve heard the government is spending too much money.

CB: Exactly! That’s why we are cutting all the social programs. Schools, food stamps, day care centers, post offices … as long as they don’t cut the Pentagon and keep bailing us out, we bankers are set.

UY: But who’s going to bail me out?

CB: Again, not my problem. But whatever you do, stay away from those crazy radicals down at Occupy Wall Street. Especially this new “Occupy 4 Jobs” thing. Me and my buddies in the 1% find it to be kind of scary.